


In Heroic Defense of Keith's Virtue

by TeaAndKittens



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe, Epistolary, M/M, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-02
Updated: 2016-11-02
Packaged: 2018-08-28 15:08:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8451178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeaAndKittens/pseuds/TeaAndKittens
Summary: Keith gets a weirdly helpful middle of the night text from a stranger.  Then he gets more texts, a couple new friends, a lot less lonely, a few weird hobbies, and some truly horrifying pictures of graffiti in public restrooms.  And maybe a boyfriend too.  it's all very confusing.Lance is glad he was just drunk enough to think texting that number was a good idea.  Keith makes him work for it, but Lance is determined to retain the title of Stalwart and Handsome Defender of Virtue now that he's won it.  And maybe win a few other things from Keith along the way.Behold the mating ritual of the Romantically Inept Idiot: flirty banter, mutual pining, panic, and drawings of dicks.  What could possibly go wrong?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello new fandom *waves* I come bearing...actually I have no idea what the fuck this is. *grumbles* Knew I should have just brought cookies...
> 
> Anyway, I fell for this fandom fast and hard, and ended up with approximately a million ideas for fic. This was just something I threw together to dip my toe in the water with these characters (and also experiment with writing an epistolary fic, because I've been dying to) while I tried to decide which of my other ideas to start on. Full disclosure, I have no idea where I'm going with this, so tags/warnings may spontaneously appear, although it's tagged explicit because I am pathologically incapable of writing anything without making it at least a little porny. I also plan to work on this in between other fics, so the concept of an update schedule will remain rather abstract on this one.
> 
> WARNING: Some concerns were raised about a few lines in this chapter reading as transphobic/transmisogynistic. For both storytelling and personal reasons, I've decided to keep the content as is. Please take care of yourselves as you read in whatever manner you feel is appropriate. if you want more information about the lines and why they're staying, check the comment addressing it (i will link later, but right now I'm late for an appointment)
> 
> And now that I've run off any potential readers with that a/n, here goes nothing...

Lance is normal

_Keith is italicized_

**11-01-2016**

 

(23:37): Bro!

_(23:41): Who is this? And why the FUCK are you texting me this close to midnight?_

(23:41): We don’t know each other, but i’m about to do u a favor

_(23:43): Doubtful._

(23:43): You wound me, Weirdly Hostile Stranger

(23:44): And here i am in the restroom of a very classy establishment, trying to hide from my ex and her current, while not bailing on my bff, and i’m still sitting here offering to help u out

_(23:46): Highly._

_(23:46): Doubtful._

(23:48): Put that bitch face away

(23:49): But i’m starting to see why your # got scrawled on a bathroom stall

_(23:51): What. Even._

(23:53): yea man, that’s what i was texting you about

(23:53): it says “call for a good time” and then has your #

(23:54): thought you’d want to know

_(23:57): That’s surprisingly decent of you, Likely Very Intoxicated Stranger_

_(23:58): also, call for a good time???  Really???_

(23:59): hey dude, I didn’t write it

 

**11-02-2016**

 

_(00:01): Yeah? How do I know that?_

(00:02): You can’t really know for sure

(00:02): But why would i tell you about it?

_(00:04): Your plan could have been to tell me about it and then not tell me where you did it so you could sit back and watch while I slowly drove myself insane trying to figure out which shady bathroom stall you chose as the venue to enact your devious revenge…_

(00:04): Brutal

(00:05): I like it

(00:07): But if that was my plan, and i really wanted to be cruel, I would have never actually written it

_(00:08): Nice._

_(00:08): But what if I didn’t believe you?_

(00:09): Then I would write it, snap a pic, and then immediately color over it or something

(00:10): The point is that’d you’d still be losing your mind trying to find something that either never existed or didn’t exist anymore

_(00:11): You’re right.  You didn’t do this._

_(00:12): Anyone who can plan a prank like that is too creative to just write “call for a good time”_

(00:15): Stahp.  You’ll make me blush

_(00:15): Or not_

_(00:15): But seriously, is it too much to ask that when someone executes a plot against me via bathroom wall that they’re at least a little creative about it?_

(00:17): Apparently

_(00:18): Right?_

_(00:18): This is just sad_

_(00:18): Implies a lack of commitment_

_(00:20): I’m almost offended_

(00:23): You should be.  You clearly haven’t pissed this person off enough yet

_(00:24): *raises eyebrow* you don’t think so?_

(00:24): nah

(00:24): it’s like

(00:24): you haven’t bothered them enough for them to set out with this in mind

(00:25): because lets be real - there is no way this lame ass attempt was premeditated

(00:26): but they still think you’re annoying enough to be the first person they thought of when the idea struck and they were trying to figure out who to “get” with this

_(00:28): Joke’s on them_

(00:28): Is it?

_(00:28): yeah, only guy to hmu so far is you_

(00:31): how do you know i’m a guy

_(00:32): A) you opened with, and I quote, “Bro!”_

_(00:32): B) In addition to “bro,” you’ve also called me “dude” and “man” and people are far more likely to apply their own gender to others when gender is unknown_

_(00:34): C) you mentioned a female ex earlier.  And while it’s probably a dick move to assume, it is however overwhelmingly more likely from a statistical standpoint that you are male, and, therefore, a relatively safe assumption to make combined with the other evidence._

_(00:35): D) girls’ bathrooms never have that kind of thing on the wall_

(00:35): and now I know you’re a dude too

_(00:36): oh?_

(00:38): yep

(00:39): i spent every high school detention I ever got scrubbing graffiti off the bathroom stalls

_(00:40): Clearly your teachers were sadists_

(00:40): i can barely sleep at night from the trauma

(00:41): But yeah, the girls’ bathroom was always just as bad as the boys’

(00:41): maybe even worse in some ways

_(00:43): Really?_

(00:43): yea

(00:44): a lot less penises, but man, the comments and the gossip were hardcore

_(00:45): huh_

(00:45): yea

(00:54): ok well this has been kinda fun, but my buddy is here and he says we have to go, so i’m gonna call it a night

_(00:55): sure.  This has probably gone on longer than it should have anyway to maintain plausible deniability about it being weird_

_(00:56): Even if i did show you a good time_

(00:56): oh

(00:56): my

(00:56): god

(00:56): did you just?

(00:57): holy shit, i think you did

_(00:58): i did_

_(00:58): #winning_

(00:59): wow.

(00:59): just.  There’s more i could say to that, but I really do have to go

_(01:00): k._

_(01:00): seriously though, thanks for letting me know about this_

_(01:01): my virtue will remain safe for another night_

(01:03): that’s me - Stalwart and Handsome Defender of Virtue

_(01:03): my hero_

(01:06): ;)

 

 

(11:13): Hey, so, this is probably weird and I’m sure you weren’t expecting to ever hear from me again, but this is the Stalwart and Handsome Defender of Virtue from last night?

_(12:02): Glad you identified yourself_

_(12:02): Otherwise i would have been convinced this was Likely Very Intoxicated Stranger_

_(12:03): My phone stays real busy with random numbers_

_(12:03): Lots of people looking for a good time, you know?_

(12:13): That joke only works once

_(12:13): #StillWinning_

(12:16): strong disagree

(12:16): and i was only mildly intoxicated at that point

_(12:37): So what’s up?_

(12:37): Huh, what?

_(12:38): sigh_

_(12:38): I’m also rolling my eyes at you_

_(12:42): you gonna tell me why you texted me again or do i have to guess?_

_(12:45): wait.  Before you answer that_

_(12:45): are you in another public bathroom?_

(12:47): OH!

(12:47): YEA!  I forgot I texted for a reason

_(12:47): shocking_

(12:49): man, that sarcasm thing you got going is hard to follow.  Like really, my puny brain can’t keep up with your clearly superior skill at being the driest motherfucker not currently chilling in the Sahara.  You should get a sign or something to hold up so people will know when you’re being serious and when you’re trying to be witty

(12:49): and no, i’m not in a public bathroom

_(12:51): I made a sign._

_(12:51): *holds up sign taped to middle finger*  PLEASE, continue to talk about other random things rather than telling me why you messaged.  I don’t have ANYTHING better to do than trade lighthearted and occasionally humorous (on my end) banter with someone I’ve never met._

(12:53): rude

(12:53): #ImpatientMuch

(12:54): But no, i just realized that i forgot to send you this last night when i told you i defended your virtue

(12:54): IMAGE SENT

_(12:56): IMAGE RECEIVED_

_(12:57): Is that_

_(12:57): is that a dick?_

(12:57): WHAT???

(12:58): NoOOOOO!!!!

(12:58): The hell are you looking at?

(12:58): I was just showing you that i scratched your # out so nobody else could hit u up lookin for a good time

_(13:05): got that, thanks (what do i do with the sign if I intend something to be both sarcastic and genuine?)_

_(13:05): (I guess I could try moving it to another finger…)_

(13:05): show it to your therapist as exhibit A when you beg them for help learning how to express yourself in a healthy manner like a mature adult?

(13:06): just a suggestion

_(13:09): Right.  *the sign makes a reappearance*_

_(13:10): But I was actually talking about the thing in the top left corner of the pic_

_(13:10): Is that a dick?_

(13:17): yes

(13:17): you seem shocked by the idea that someone would draw a penis on the bathroom stall at a gay bar

_(13:18): i didn’t know it was a gay bar_

(13:18): oh yea

(13:18): and i forgot about him being there. hope you didn't open that in public.

_(13:19): No worries.  But -_

_(13:19): HIM????_

(13:19): WELL IT'S CERTAINLY NOT A HER!!!!  IT'S A DICK!!!!

_(13:19): BUT HIM IMPLIES THAT IT'S SENTIENT!_

(13:21): ...it does have a face

_(13:27): but...does it ALSO have lobster claws???_

(13:31): considering this artistic rendering is helpfully labeled “cock lobster” i imagine he does

_(13:32): I_

_(13:33): but_

_(13:37): why_

_(13:37): ???_

_(13:37): no really, i put the sign away and everything, WHY_

(13:42): ROTFLMAO

(13:42): no idea man

_(13:43): (dammit, now i have to get the sign back out) utterly useless you are now_

_(13:43): you’re dead to me_

(13:45): *cries* what a difference 12 hours and a cock lobster make

(13:45): from hero to zero just like that

_(13:56): nah, you’re still my hero_

_(13:57): thanks for blacking out my number_

_(13:57): and thanks for letting me know about it_

(14:03): *blushes* np.  Have a great day

_(14:12): you too_

(14:12): :)

  



End file.
